Dhwani, a 15-year-old, who had only ever explored LGBTQ+ for learning purposes, unexpectedly found herself drawn to a girl. Was it jealousy? But itni meethi jealousy! Today, she shares a page from her diary to share her journey of self-discovery.

Dear Diary, 

For the past few days, this girl has been running through my mind constantly. Whenever I see her, the world seems to stop. Just like how I used to feel about that senior guy in my school. But this time it’s a girl. And now I’m getting nervous about even going to school.

Reel vs real 

Vaise to it feels amazing having a crush. There’s the excitement, the butterflies – a full roller coaster! But someone of the same gender? Uh uh

I am familiar with the terms gay, lesbian, and bisexual through Instagram but navigating this in real life, which can be full of narrow-minded people, still feels like a huge task. 

At first, I shared it with my best friend. She gave a surprised reaction, which initially made me a bit uncomfortable with being different. But then she introduced me to one of her friends, Tanu, who had recently come out as bisexual (someone who is romantically attracted towards boys and girls)! 

Tanu the saviour 

Tanu lived far away, so my friend suggested reaching out to her by text. With a brief introduction from my friend, I messaged Tanu the same evening on Instagram. To my surprise, she instantly replied and was very friendly and easy to talk to. After sharing a bit about ourselves, I got comfortable sharing my problem with her. 

My first impression of Tanu was her Instagram bio “My type is not just up to men” and usne mera josh badha diya! 

We talked via chats and voice notes. I told her about me having a crush on a girl. She told me I could be bisexual. But then as I was going through all the events of my life where I might’ve felt bisexual, I told her that I once had a small crush on a transgender person too. 

I instantly regretted writing that message feeling like I overshared, but Jo ho gaya so ho gaya.

I can’t say I was ready for her reaction. I wasn’t. But she told me in an uplifting tone that it was normal and I may be pansexual! 

Tanu told me that Pansexuality is when a person can have romantic feelings or be attracted to someone, no matter if that person is a boy, a girl, or identifies as something else. It’s like saying, “I like you because of your personality and who you are as a person, not just because of whether you’re a boy or a girl.” 

And that suddenly made complete sense to me! It was my eureka moment. 

Accepting myself! 

Tanu encouraged me to be comfortable and find solace in being my true self! I didn’t understand the message well then but now, I feel free from the barriers I made for myself. 

I have outgrown those and feel comfortable with myself. I can love whoever I want to. Of course, there’s no pressure on that person to feel the same way!  

I haven’t opened up to many people about this, given the narrow-mindedness of our society. Plus all the news we find every day about the LGBTQIA+ community being treated differently or poorly really scares me. 

But being a part of my own community brings me peace. It took me a whole year to get comfortable with my journey and myself. But now at 16, I stand proud! 

Message for you – yes you! 

A message I’d like to share is, don’t overthink it. It’s a delicate process. Share it with someone you trust, and focus on being comfortable with yourself. The outcome might not always align with your expectations. For instance, I initially thought I was bisexual, but now I proudly identify as pansexual. Respect every individual’s journey and embrace the diversity of souls. 

Till then! 

XOXO

Dhwani 

Names have been changed. This article has been authored by a member of our TeenBook Advisory Board (TAB). To learn more about what TAB is and how to join, please click here.

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