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That's puzzling!

Is this love or control?

Payal (16) was in relationship with Sahil (16) and they both shared everything with each other; even their passwords. Sahil felt jealous when Payal met her friends or liked pictures of other guys on Insta. Payal felt happy that Sahil was possessive and that he cared for her. Was she right? Is this love?

Possession vs Love

Photo: Shutterstock/insta_photos/Persons in the photo are models and names have been changed. 

Jealousy is adorable? 

It had been a difficult year for Payal. Getting used to online classes, helping with household chores and most importantly managing her relationship with Sahil. 

Payal started dating Sahil a year ago, before the lockdown. He really cared for her a lot and would get jealous, when she spoke to other guys. She secretly liked that Sahil was so possessive about her. But sometimes, she also wanted him to chill! 

Don’t forget to check out this wonderful and informative video on Intimate Partner Violence below to understand more on this topic:

It was the first weekend of February and Payal had planned to go to her friend’s house for a small get-together where her closest friends were joining them. But Sahil called in the morning and yelled at her for not informing him about her plans. 

“How could you not tell me Payal? I am your boyfriend, I should know these things”, Sahil shouted. 

“Chill Sahil, I just forgot to tell you about it. I am sorry”, Payal apologised and felt a bit scared about all the yelling. 

“No, this is wrong. Tell me, are there any boys joining too?” Sahil questioned. 

“Yes, Rishab and Akul, my childhood friends”, Payal replied, fully knowing how he would react.  

“What? Are you serious, can’t you just keep this get-together with your girlfriends? Why boys? Am I not enough?” Sahil was shouting now. 

“But they are my childhood friends, Sahil. Why are you comparing them to you?” Payal replied with a disappointed tone. 

“And I am your boyfriend, please just don’t go if you really love me. We will sit on our laptops for a long time and chat all day”, Sahil asked Payal in a subtle way. 

Payal was tired of sitting at home all day. She really wanted to meet her friends but the way Sahil blackmailed her, she decided to cancel the plan. She realised he was being jealous and that was cute. He loved her a lot and did not want her to hang out with anyone else. 

But it was really very frustrating for her not to be able to see her friends after so long. She felt angry and wished things were different. Unable to understand her emotions, she threw her phone across the sofa and pushed her face on the pillow. As she was doing this, her elder sister, Mahima noticed. 

“Payal, don’t you want to get ready for the get together you were planning to go with your friends?” Mahima, who had come to stay with them for a few days, asked. 

“Naah di. I don’t feel well, I am just going to stay home”, Payal replied with an upsetting tone. 

“Why? You were so excited for this the whole week! What happened to you, are you okay?” Mahima asked.  

“I am okay di, don’t worry. It’s just Sahil and his behaviour. I know he likes me so much and I should feel happy but I don’t know why I am feeling so angry”, Payal replied with a frown. 

Does jiju know your password? 

“Is there something you want to tell me, I mean you can ask me anything you want”, Mahima said these words and it was enough to trigger Payal’s emotions. 

She started crying. Mahima hugged her and sat with her. She gave her a glass of water. After some time, Payal spoke. 

Di, can I ask you something?” Payal said, lying down on the sofa. 

“What, choti?” Mahima replied casually, as she placed the water bottle on the side table. 

“You are meeting your friends today too and going out, so do you have to ask jiju for permission or tell him beforehand?” Payal asked. 

Mahima was confused at this question but she continued answering. 

“Seeking permission? No, Payal! You know him na! He is so chill about these things. I just shared with him that I will go out today. That’s it. Does he ever take permission from me? Have you ever seen this? We just tell each other just like you told me that you will be going to your friends house”, Mahima replied. 

“Right. Tell me, does Mohak jiju ever check your phone? Or ask for your Facebook password?” Payal asked. 

“Well he has never done that. Neither do I. I mean what’s the need? We have never invaded each other’s privacy”, Mahima replied. 

“Isn’t a good relationship about sharing everything with your partner – including your passwords? Why should we have secrets?” Payal was confused now. 

“I don’t think so. It’s all about trust and giving space to each other…”, Mahima answered but Payal cut her mid sentence.. 

“But aren’t you curious about what he does on his mobile and vice versa? Don’t you want to read his emails or messages? Are you ever curious?” Payal asked. 

“Why would I want that? I trust Mohak and he trusts me too. We are a couple but we have our individual lives too, right? I have my own friends, he has his own. When I am curious, I ask him about that person, simple”, Mahima replied and went to answer the door as the bell rang. 

“Yes, simple”, Payal sighed and remembered how Sahil kept on asking him to share her passwords with him. She felt strange at first but gave in when he said, “There should be no secrets between us”. 

Control, not care

Once Mahima returned, Payal shared everything with her about Sahil, about how he was so possessive and jealous and how, instead of now feeling happy, she felt. Mahima was shocked by how much pain, embarrassment and control her little sister was bearing in the name of love. She explained to Payal about a healthy relationship. 

“If you are in a relationship which makes you delirious and anxious more than happy then it’s definitely something that you need to get out of. Invading someone’s privacy is not at all a right thing and you should not give that power to anyone. It’s simply a toxic relationship if it’s all about doubts and emotional blackmail”, Mahima said. 

Payal was all ears. Her relationship was not love, but control. What Sahil did to her was controlling her and not caring about her. This is not love, she understood. 

“It is definitely difficult to end an attachment and feelings overnight, but ending something like this will save you from getting mentally exhausted. So do the right thing”, Mahima added and hugged Payal again. Payal had already decided to go and meet her friends today and end things with Sahil. 

love vs control

Photo: Shutterstock/insta_photos/Persons in the photo are models and names have been changed. 

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