Dear Diary 19.1.2020

​​I am so sick of everyone telling me that I am overweight, especially papa. He constantly tells me to lose more weight! I am trying but just give me some time please!

Everyone around me is either super thin, or talking about losing weight by following some kind of diet -Keto, low-carb or intermittent fasting. Neema is either on a low carb diet or not eating for several hours. Oh! the way she looks at me when I eat my sandwich! Her New Year resolution is to lose more weight and get her hair straightened! But mine is to just relax and make myself invisible.

I have started hating my body and myself for not being able to change it. I often look in the mirror and see my flaws – my bloated belly, flabby arms and huge legs. I hate my pimples too! EW! I just wish some magic happens and I become beautiful.
Today I also skipped my dinner so that my weighing scale does not show extra weight in the morning. It was tough to sleep on an empty stomach, but I started watching some music videos on YouTube to tire myself out.

Dear Diary31.1. 2020

So, I have been exercising and skipping dinners and have shed some weight but papa is just so hard to please. He keeps telling me to lose more weight. I am just so so tired. I can’t even study or have the strength to write more.

Dear Diary 5.2.2020

Today was a very special day. Something profound happened. As I was sitting in the gym after my workout, I had this thought – “Why don’t I accept who I am?” “Why don’t I love myself?”
The voice kept asking me, “Why are you listening to others and seeking other people’s approval all the time?”
And these questions kind of encouraged me. I promised myself that I will love my body, no matter what. I will not let other people have the power to affect me!

Dear Diary15.2.2020

I slept so well today because I ate my dinner. I was also able to get up early and squeeze in some time for exercise. Guess what? I have hidden my weighing scale. I will only have a look at it after maybe 2-3 weeks and not everyday! That’s my promise to myself.
I have energy to do my basketball practise and also my Maths tuition. Life is not that bad after all. Only if papa stops calling me moti!

Dear Diary28.2.2020

Some days ago, while coming back from my basketball practice, I met Payal. She has moved to the house next door and is my new neighbour and friend. Meeting her has been a really good experience – like meeting a long lost friend. We clicked instantly. I feel I can share anything with her.
I will be going over to her house tomorrow for some chit chat.

Dear Diary 1.3.2020

Yesterday, I told Payal how I wish I was like her – a little thin – so that we could share some clothes. I even told her how papa calls me moti!

She just stopped me immediately and said, “Deepali. Don’t listen to anyone. You are beautiful just the way you are.”

She made me promise that I’ll repeat this to myself at least thrice a day.
I just couldn’t understand what to say to her. No one had ever used the word ‘beautiful’ for me. I hugged her and thanked her!

Yes, I am beautiful. Yes, I love myself. All of us should repeat this to ourselves – every day. Trust me, it helps!

To protect the identity, the person in the picture is a model and names have been changed. 

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This article was first published on March 22, 2022.