The same shopkeeper who would bring a size small to me earlier without blinking an eye, started staring at me and saying to my mom ‘Isko large size aayega na madam?’ (A large size will fit her right ma’am?). Unfortunately, in those days – I am talking about in the 90’s, things were not as open as they are today and bodies and discussion around them were a bit of a taboo. Yet, judgement through labels and looks was prevalent like Covid19 virus with no mask protection or antibodies. Everybody was affected. So yes, I hear you – 90’s kids. We’ve seen our share of nonsensical times, haven’t we? 

Cut to today. 2024. Here is another story. One day I was picking up my son from school and we decided to stop at a coffee shop on the way back home. After we responded to the cheery ‘Hello ma’am, hello sir, welcome to xyz café’ and went over to place our order, the barista asked the usual – ‘Ma’am this will be regular, tall or Grande?’ I have lost count of the number of coffees I have had in my life, but on this winter day of 2023, the little eleven-year-old Kanika visited me suddenly from my past and asked me the following question: ‘Are you still hung up about the name given to something as mundane as size?’. 

Hmm. Interesting I thought. I mulled over this question for a bit and then realised how unknowingly and unintentionally my parents may have made me feel odd and awkward about my size or my weight, in my teenage years. While their intentions were well meaning and they came from a place of love, it still did not stop from creating a feeling of shame about my body, in my mind. 

I mean, I just told you how the eleven-year-old me, visited me in a swanky café right? Like suddenly out of the blue! I wish and hope that today all parents and children alike understand that size is size. That is all. Just like grades do not define a child’s intelligence, capability, or potential; similarly, ‘small, medium, large’ etc do not define a child’s or an adult’s self-worth, self-image, or confidence. They are just names given to sizes of clothes, so that they can fit us best. 

Clothes are supposed to fit our beautiful bodies; our bodies are not meant to fit clothes. When did this phenomenon even emerge? It is ridiculous to say the least!

While we will keep countering the emergence of new issues to deal with, with every new generation (including the machines that may have feelings; Artificial Emotions, duh!) – all we can do as parents is to communicate better. This means not just talking to them but also listening actively. For example, if your usually cheerful child suddenly seems withdrawn, instead of brushing it off as “a bad mood,” try gently asking open-ended questions like, “I noticed you’ve been quiet lately. Do you want to talk about it?” Being in touch with our kids’ feelings involves paying attention to subtle changes—like a slouched posture, avoiding eye contact, or an unusual silence—and responding with curiosity rather than judgment. If you sense something off, addressing it early can prevent bigger issues from festering. And if the situation feels beyond your expertise, remember, there’s no shame in seeking professional help. Today, there are counselors, online resources, and community groups ready to step in when needed. After all, acknowledging the small shifts is often the first step to helping our kids feel truly understood.

I am sure all parents will agree that at the end of the day all we need is for our children to be happy, healthy, capable, compassionate, and whole human beings. 

Here’s to raising beautiful children for a beautiful future!

Kanika Kush, TeenBook’s Parent Expert, offers teens a fun and relatable glimpse into the parent perspective, helping us understand what’s going on in their parents’ minds as they navigate the teen years together. Check out her YouTube  page here. 

Editor’s Note: Say hello to our new column on TeenBook, where we flip the script and give parents the mic! While TeenBook is all about helping Indian teens figure out life, this space is for parents to spill the tea, share their insights, and offer advice as they try to keep up with their teens and survive the wild ride of adolescence. It’s the parent POV you didn’t know you needed!

Photo: Shutterstock/Person in the photo is a model. Names changed.

Peer pressure

So you are facing peer pressure? How do you feel? Wait, but first, what really is
peer pressure? Let’s first understand peer pressure and then learn how to deal with it. 

Peer pressure in simple terms can be defined as “doing something you don’t like, to impress your friends or to fit in with them.” These friends might be from your school/college, your neighbourhood, your social groups or even your cousins, who are of more or less the same
age as you. 

Sometimes this might also happen during the process of making new friends. You might
try to do or behave in a manner they like, in order to fit in. 

You know, this pressure is felt and dealt differently by different people. And while
some of us may be able to identify the risks and are able to resist peer pressure, some of us might give in. It also depends on the situation we may find ourselves in.

Also, don’t forget to check out this amazing video on intimacy in relationships:

To do or not to do? 

In this context, let’s talk about the peer pressure that you are under – to have a relationship or a physical/sexual contact. 

Teenagers can often assume, also perhaps an impression cultivated by movies, that
everyone their age is having sex and has to express their love by accepting a sexual request from their bf/gf. 

So the first thing to know is both of these things are not true. Whatever the
perception everyone is not having sex and that one does not need to comply with a sexual request to express their love.

Another important point to note is that sexual contact before the age of 18 is illegal
in our country.

Furthermore, during teenage, sexual involvement is not advisable because it can have negative effects on one’s mental growth and development.

It is also a good idea to wait, until we feel that we have the emotional bandwidth and capability to handle consequences that such a contact may generate. 

But the pressure…

That’s all fine, you may say. But what to do about all the pressure! For that,
let’s first understand why you feel this pressure. Here are some of the common reasons: 

So how to deal with peer pressure about sexual contact? Here are a few practical tips: 

Niyatii N Shah is a sexuality educator, intimacy coach, author, TedX speaker based out of Mumbai. She can be found on Twitter here. 

Have a query? Ask our experts! In this column, we take questions from adolescents and their parents on growing up, adolescence, puberty and everything in between; and put them to subject matter experts. 

What is failure?

Firstly, let us define what failure is. In my opinion, a failure is an event and not a person. So you are not a failure, you have gone through a failure. Failure is different for everyone. Some people may have scored really well and still think they have failed and some people may have scored average marks and think they have passed the exam and they have not failed.

The majority of the time, failure is very subjective. Now it is important to understand that failure is different for everyone. So if you have not achieved the target you had set for yourself, that can be termed a failure. But since failure means different things to everyone, therefore a blanket statement that how can you manage stress would not be very accurate. 

For instance, if I was to fail an exam, I would think that I let my parents down. They put so much effort and money into me and it’s all a waste. For someone, it could be that their friends are moving on to the next class and they are going to stay in the same class. For someone else, it could be their special or favourite person in the class who would look down upon them.

‘Failure’ is temporary

One must watch the negative thoughts, especially about yourself or your future. Predictions like ‘I will never be able to succeed. I will probably fail, again and again, which is inaccurate. You are not enough is inaccurate. If there was a friend in your situation, would you call them a failure? If not, then why can’t you be kind to yourself.

So there are many ways to deal with failing but most importantly, with every attempt when you try something new, the chances of success go up – statistically speaking. 

Let’s say you succeed in three chances. So maybe you fail at first, but in the second chance, the chances of success are two in three. And in the third chance, the chances of success are three in three because you’re probably gonna succeed in three chances. 

So do not see failure as permanent, it is temporary. It always teaches you something if you attend the class. To summarise, manage and minimise the negative thoughts that go in our heads and secondly, consider failure as a step towards success.

Also, don’t forget to check out his detailed podcast on teenage wala stress below:

Dr Shishir Palaspure is a trained psychologist who specializes in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy. He is also the Founder of the CORE emotional education program for schools. More details on his work can be found here. 

The person in the photo is a model. Photo: Shutterstock/fizkes

Have a query? Ask our experts! In this column, we take questions from adolescents and their parents on growing up, adolescence, puberty and everything in between; and put them to subject matter experts. 

This article was first published on May 6, 2022. 

Real and reel

From my experience, children are watching porn – intentionally or unintentionally, by the age of ten. And it’s not easy for any parent to talk about pornography to their child. You may find it tricky to start a conversation especially if your child hasn’t learned about sexual organs, their functions or about sex and sexual relationships. But it’s important and you know that.

Also, do watch this video below. Read the rest of the article below video:

Children who watch porn can be confused and may not be able to understand what they saw. The main objective to talk about pornography is to teach them the difference between real and reel and most importantly to make informed choices.

Instead of sex being part of a loving relationship, pron strengthen attitudes supportive of sexual violence and violence against women. For children, it becomes a sport, the goal of which is to imitate what they see on their computer screens. If reality doesn’t match up (and it probably won’t), then they will likely be disappointed.

If you are not in a hurry to have the porn talk, it’s best to explain what healthy relationships look like, talk about changes during puberty, the sexual feelings they will now experience. Talk about respect and consent. Let the process be slow and gradual as per the child’s maturity and comfort. Create a relationship of trust and comfort between your child and you.

If you catch your child watching pornography, it could be embarassing for both of you. That’s ok! Prepare for a discussion based on these steps.

Step 1: Tell them that you know about their exposure to pornography.

Step 2: Tell them that it is OK, and they should not be ashamed of discussing
sex. And it is natural to be aroused by watching pornography. Most of the children want to talk about sex, but don’t
know whom to approach. As parents, you are one of the best sources of satisfying your child’s curiosities.

Step 3: Tell them it is not how actual sexual intercourse happens. Share your
views about sex. Stress on the emotional aspect of physical intimacy.

Step 4: Convince them that pornography is rarely a depiction of the actual thing.
Their body is going to change and that it will not look like what they saw in the video. Tell your child that the
body parts he or she might have witnessed are by no way a standard against which their self-esteem should be
measured.

Important things to take care of:

But if a situation arises where you have to have the talk immediately, here are some tips
for you:  

Guide them step by step what they should do if they come across inappropriate content. Here are some tips: 

Kids are curious and because we don’t give answers to their curiosity they look for answers outside. Usage of technology also should be monitored. Only education and empowerment will help the kids make a healthy choice in their lives.

Niyatii N Shah is a sexuality educator, intimacy coach, author, TedX speaker based out of Mumbai. She can be found on Twitter here. 

Have a parenting query? Ask our experts. In ‘Ask the expert’ column, we bring various questions from parents of young adolescents/pre-teens (10-12) on growing up, adolescence, puberty and everything in between; and ask them to subject matter experts. 

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